The one thing I’ve noticed when discussing sexual attraction with others is that people view sex as either/or decisions. The obvious example is the attitude that you’re either gay or you’re straight. (Very few will acknowledge bisexuals or asexuals.)
Another example, in regards to race, was an incident that happened to me a year ago. (To understand the context, I am white.) I was at a gay bar and I saw this really cute, slightly dorky black guy with the wire rim glasses and a really great smile. Unfortunately, he was with somebody (ain’t that always the way?). I made a comment about how cute I thought he was to a friend of mine and his response was, “You like black boys? I didn’t think you liked black boys?” Then he spent the entire evening trying to scan out other African-American men for me.
The thing is, I wasn’t attracted to his race. The features about him that drew my attention were that great smile and that slightly dorky, nerdy vibe that others who dig dorky, nerdy guys know exactly what I’m talking about. He could’ve been Asian, Hispanic, Spanish, Middle Eastern, or White, and if he had those same features, I would’ve crushed on him.
But my friend now thinks I only want to date black guys. See? So many people in our culture (I refer to American culture) think that all sexual attraction is an either or proposition, especially in terms of race. And if you are attracted to someone outside of your own race, it’s almost seen as a fetish, as if it was something “special” or “unique.”
So the flip-side of “I don’t date XYZ” is “I ONLY date XYZ.” Either statement is limiting and is probably based on preconceived notions of race XYZ.
Posts
I agree. I've never dated a black guy. Is it because I'm not attracted to black men or I DON'T date black men? No. I've dated plenty of black women! I just haven't found a man that i wanted to date that happened to have black skin.
ReplyDeleteIt's similar to when I'm in a relationship with a man and people assume I'm straight or that I don't date women. Or when with a woman and people assume I'm gay. IT'S NOT ABOUT THEIR GENITALIA. But people don't seem to get that. Either or. Black or white. One or the other.
I'd also like to add that that kind of thinking limits your options IMMENSELY. You're automatically excluding a huge amount of the population as potential dating partners when you are so narrow in the scope of who you're attracted to. And isn't it hard enough to find people to date already?
ReplyDeleteRight on the money, Britni. I think it's due in part to humanity's natural urge to classify anything. When you think about it, most of human fear comes from items, philosophies, or sexualities that defy their category systems. Black or white is easy to understand and digest. Gray is a whole other matter that requires more deep thought and understanding. (It's probably no coincidence that we refer to our brains as "gray matter.")
ReplyDelete